Advice From Grandpa? Maybe Not!

I had made the choice to share 80 stories that I thought that the grandkids needed to know about life as seen through the fading eyes of an old man. This is not the same as telling stories that they want to know.

Question: “Teaching – directly or indirectly – is a big part of who you are. As opposed to operating on condescension, you operate on compassion. What’s the best mindset to have when sharing advice & knowledge?”

Dear grandchild:

First of all, thank you for the compliment and question. Secondly, this may be the most difficult question I’ve had to respond to and I am replying only after several terrible drafts. Fact is, I have never articulated a self-reflection like this before, much less shared it with anyone. But here goes.

Perhaps a list of operating principles that I adapted from my mentors could be considered as a starting point. You use the term “mindset” and I think that the term is a good one. “Framework” might also work. 

First, who were these mentors? My parents were the first, but there were others who exerted a great influence on me at critical times. At great risk, I will mention a few:

• Coach Gordie Gillespie, master teacher and coach
• My African American colleagues at Lewis
• A Cuban refugee and colleague at Lewis
• Pat, Tony, and the Jesuits
• My students
• My wife of 58 years

Ten operating principles? (Which I violate from time to time)

More or less, I found myself migrating into the following guidelines. When I was your age, my list probably wouldn’t look exactly like this. More like “Be good, do good.”

• It’s not about me. Put the spotlight on the other person in conversations. 
• Listening is an even more important and difficult communication skill than talking or writing.
• Always be a student. Every day is a day of personal learning and transformation, driven by curiosity. At the end of the day, assimilate, recalibrate and integrate.
• Relationships, based on respect, honesty, and sincerity, are fundamental to life itself.
• When possible, see the world through the other’s eyes.
• Question everything, think critically, take chances, and admit prejudices and faults.
• Have friends who are different than you.
• A sense of humor begins with not taking yourself too seriously.
• Talk with strangers by finding commonalities. Meet them where they are and listen to their stories.
• Understand that old people don’t have all the answers. (Or even the right questions.)

Problems with this list

I didn’t give a lot of details in this list because they should not fit everyone else. My suggestion would be to try some on, make adjustment that fit, and practice them. One size doesn’t fit all and don’t be afraid to create your own list, a list that more properly suits your own personality and core values. Who you are.

Maybe this isn’t a plan for life, but it may be a “mindset” for recognizing guide-rails that are congruent with your personal mission. It may even help define what that mission is. 

(Please refer to my light-hearted, self-imposed 2009 rules at the end of this blog.)

What Does This Have to with Teaching?

Teaching/coaching and learning are two sides of the same coin. I was surprised how much I learned in the five years of high school teaching. I found that a monologue emanating from the podium wasn’t nearly as effective as dialogue with and among the students. Establishing a learning environment where a teacher shows enthusiasm can trigger a new self-awareness and interest for students. 

Although I retired from coaching athletes many years ago, I found that leadership roles in higher education required similar coaching skills that I learned from athletics. Teamwork, staff development, humor, and psychology were always critical ingredients.

Identifying with role models is undervalued as a means to learning and growing. While parents and sports heroes are easy targets with which to identify, think about “hidden” models; those who briefly but significantly affect changes in your life without much fanfare. More on this in the future.

My Challenge to You

If you keep a journal – and I suggest that you do – create your own list of operating principles. Who are your mentors so far? Conduct an inventory of principles for your eyes only but don’t be too hard on yourself. Remember that you and I are works in progress.

(Someday I hope that your grandkids, nieces, or nephews thrust similarly tough questions on you. Ha. Payback.) 

Sincerely and with love,

Grandpa K

*This is from the introduction of “My Book: A Compilation of Stories and Poems.” Thought you might enjoy my light-hearted rules at that time.

My Self-imposed, Idiosyncratic Rules (February 13, 2009)

1. Never wear jeans or shorts in church or in a plane
2. Don’t walk on the gym floor with street shoes (including street gym shoes)
3. Never be without reading and writing materials
4. Avoid rap music at all times
5. Even if no one else is in the elevator, do not wear a hat/cap or pass gas
6. Don’t even consider wearing suspenders
7. Ok to have “women friends” but not “girlfriends”
8. Ok to have “men friends,” but not “boyfriends”
9. Never go to a barber
10. Hugs are fine, but no kissing on the lips (except DK)
11. The end can justify the means in extreme situations
12. Don’t eat at a table when a seat is available at the counter
13. Don’t wear unshined shoes
14. Never give up on listening and asking questions
15. Never clean your plate completely, unless really, really hungry
16. Don’t be stupid. Adjust these rules as needed every ten years or so.