What have I learned from grandkids?

Lexi asks, “Grandpa, have you learned anything from the 14 grandkids?”

Dear Lexicon:

You ask a poignant question, one that I have pondered consciously and subconsciously for the past 25 years. The quick answer is “Yes, I have learned a ton about being a better human being.” My evolution continues as I witness your maturity and try to remember who I was at your age. (The world was so different from what it is now, making comparisons nearly impossible.)

I learned how to be a grandparent

Until you become one, “grandfather-hood” is a mystery to most men.  Women seem to have a natural transition to becoming a grandmother, but I had no real concept of being a grandparent until the birth of one of my children’s child. Perhaps my blindness was due to the fact that my own childhood in Braidwood was void of any grandfather. Without any training, I was launched into a role that was previously beyond my imagination.  

Without a second thought, I soon found myself easily duped into agreeing almost anything asked of me. “Can I get this toy?” I respond, how about this toy, too?  “Can I paint your toenails?” Sure. (Explain that to the guys in the locker room.)

When a granddaughter wants to play mass, would I play the role of the priest?  Of course. I do it and get corrected immediately because I forget to kiss the altar.  (Who says that kids aren’t paying attention at church?) Next time, I ask her to be the priest and she replies that she is not old enough. Maybe, someday.

I learned how babies grow to adulthood

A confession: I was not ready to be a father. My role models were my own father, my uncles, and dad’s buddies. And their role models were their own fathers. So when I became a parent at age 23, I was a freshman, a novice, a beginner who was guided by my wife of 22. Your grandma did the best she could without much assistance from me while I was teaching and coaching. 

For the next 20 years, my primary attention was focused on everything but the developmental stages of our five children. Illnesses, birthdays, kid activities, holidays, and graduations occurred with the usual interruptions and emotions, but jobs and career considerations consumed vast quantities of energy and time. 

It was only after the birth of our grandkids did I have the time, focus, and interest to closely observe and understand the life stages from birth through adulthood. To witness first steps to running the bases, from scribbles to essays, from mumbles to giving speeches…I was amazed at the wonders of human development, things I had missed as a father.

I learned about empathy

“Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild.” Welsh Proverb

I believe that almost all men who become grandfathers will, sooner or later, come down with an affliction that I term “avus paternus empathia,” or the empathy of a grandfather.

The definition of empathy is “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.”  In the case of a grandfather as related to his grandchildren, empathy takes over and overwhelms his ability to think logically, transforming it into an incurable lifetime affliction. 

I have been heart broken when I couldn’t cure their disappointments and maladies. They were vulnerable, naïve, and innocent especially when they were young, and expected grandparents to make everything work. They envisioned success and joy, even when I knew that reality doesn’t always match up with visions. 

Empathy is being a grandparent and I remain in the deadly grips of “avus paternus empathia.” For this reason, I have become a better, more complete human being.

You are my legacy and I will protect it

So much of my life has been concerned about my life span. My history might be viewed as education (first stage), work and family (second stage), and later years including semi-retirement (third stage). Of lesser concern was what happens after that. 

Because of you, Lexicon, your siblings, and cousins, I have become intensely conscious about issues related to climate change, democracy, global relationships, and social justice. I no longer view my life and legacy in the short term but rather on the next 100 years, long after my time on earth. What can I do now in order to pay it forward? That is my challenge, frustration, and dilemma.

In conclusion, I thank you for such a thought-provoking question and I hope that a few words have explained my gratitude for you and the other 13 grandkids. All of you have been wonderful teachers for me.

With love, Grandpa.