Granddaughter Asks a Most Difficult Question

“For months I have avoided a question that may be impossible for me to answer.” 

Grandpa

Granddaughter asks, “At such a young age, how did you know grandma was the one or you?” 

Several of you grandkids have asked this question and I struggle to give a rational answer. Instead, I will answer in a way that many others might respond to such a question. Obviously, many of you grandkids are at an age when questions on marriage, families, jobs, and careers are predominant concerns. 

Compared to your generation – which seems to have little urgency to commit to a lifelong companion – my generation (those born between 1935-45) subscribed to the cultural norms of the time. There was an unwritten program to follow: 1) complete your education by age 18 or 22; 2) get a job; 3) get married and immediately have kids; 4) at age 65, retire and finally enjoy the rest of your life.

Grandma and I, not particularly primed to upset these social norms, roughly followed this program. (Although retirement landed much later for us.)

Which brings us back to your question. How did you know that grandma was the one? “The one” assumes that out of 8 billion people on earth that there is just one person that is right for you. Intellectual exercises, dating services, and personality tests assume that there is a science to finding the person that you intend to spend your life with. In my case, an academic approach would have failed me. 

Here’s how it happened.

We first met as passengers on the way to play a baseball game during the summer of 1958. Tom Dedin’s uncle, Mike Dedinsky, gave Tom and me a ride to our semipro baseball game. Also in the car were Tom’s girlfriend, Mary Fran, and her sister, Dolores. She and I talked briefly but we didn’t talk again until the fall of 1958 when I was a freshman at Lewis College. Our first date was going to a movie in Joliet.

We dated over the next four years and got to know one another as I continued through college and the future grandma worked in Joliet. During that time, we gradually realized that we would like to marry and have a family.

How did I know that she was the “one?”

That’s the question with many possible responses. She made me: feel special; proud and fun to be with her; see life in a different way; see my shortcomings in a positive way; know that she deeply cared for me; see how we complemented and filled gaps in one another. I saw the goodness in her, her empathy for others, and kindness that had no equal. I also envisioned many ways that I could possibly help her to grow.

Overall, there was a spark that kindled a new feeling in me, that this was the beginning of real love for the first time in my life.  

Sometimes I think that making a serious decision doesn’t actually matter about age. I see people my age making life-changing decisions that, given the luxury of time, conclude that they made a big mistake. And then I have observed people in the 20’s make choices that are almost exactly the best choices possible.

Timing and readiness will usually depend on knowing oneself at that particular time of your life, not someone else’s. Your timing is…your timing. If your desire is to seek a lifetime teammate, a person who is an equal partner, I suggest that you find someone who has similar ethics and values. Similarity cuts across different religions, nationalities, and cultures. A lot has to do with your distinctive taste. 

Another question that you might have asked would be, “What was the moment that you came to the conclusion that grandma was the one?”

Answer: there wasn’t a single moment but instead the gradual accumulation of many moments over a period of time as we became more familiar with one another. We didn’t keep a checklist, scorecard, or a spreadsheet. Or a blank paper with pros and cons listed on either side.  

Thanks, granddaughter for asking perhaps the most difficult question possible. I hope that my response makes a little sense.

With love,

Grandpa